Friday, July 28, 2006

Time To Reinvent Myself Yet Again

Borrowed from
I am worse off now than I was one year ago today. No, I didn’t have an eviction on my record, but I will now. I can’t rely on the county to house me, but I can always go back to the Mission. However, both June N. and Kelly M. have relieved themselves of my property, to which I have no place to store it any more.

It’s as if I wish the promises never happened.

June contacted me, and we had a wonderful time together...and she is very pleasant, at times; but she had one reason to contact me: to get rid of my stuff. Well, now I can’t store my stuff and must live on the streets once again. I don’t know if she’ll re-store stuff or not. But I know that I would have been better off if it were in her hands.

Now, all that I own must fit on my saddlebags. And if I loose functionality of my bicycle, I won’t have the tools on hand to repair it.

And I’ve helped no one. All I’ve done is logged my pain and misery. I can’t see past the solution. You can be the most honorable straightforward man, and yet still not make a difference; in your own life or others. I know I’m not going to live long, but I know I have rare knowledge of this disease that can help someone. How many Software Engineers that have developed state-of-the-art anti-virus software have fallen so far as to not constitute a job at fast food? How many? How many people in your life do you know that have fallen so far? Out of them, how many actually picked themselves back up? How many know how to live of the streets? Sleep under a bridge? Disinfect a computer virus? Build a computer from scratch. Develop database software back-ends in Oracle or SQL Server with an ODBC connection to a Java or C++ bridge. Know the difference between a FAT16, FAT32, and NTFS file system and boot tracks, and know how to edit them in hexadecimal.

I stand alone.

Most men like me fail to the tune of methamphetamine. It’s a terrible drug, and one that solves none of their time restraints; although it appears to. No, alcohol calmed me down enough to code.

As for religion, I have none. In this capital city of Saint Paul, Minnesota, finding a sponsor for a former atheist is difficult. I have none. I now do believe in God, but since I haven’t, I’m shunned. So much for new beginnings.

I don’t know what will happen to me, and I don’t know if it makes any difference anymore, but I now know that it does not matter to anyone.

Without Wax,


Designer Girl said...

You can stay there, be a victim, and continue to wallow in your misery, or you can try taking your friend up on his offer to come to Minneapolis to live, and start over there.

It seems kinda like a no-brainer to me, but that's just my opinion, and I'm not you, I'm not fully aware of your circumstances, complications, etc. Just going by what you've shared in these posts.

Going by these posts, I think you have a TON to offer. You're smart, articulate and compassionate, and you are capable of tremendous honesty. Please don't give up on the good part of you that wants to rise above all this.

There is hope. Reach for it, and know we are here, supporting and encouraging you as you strive.


Fenris_Ulf said...

Perhaps reinventing yourself includes leaving your comfort zone in St Paul for a while?

Trudging said...


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