Sunday, July 16, 2006

From Scratch...

I keep asking myself what I will become. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn’t. I must reinvent myself all over again, yet I don’t know what I should be. I thought I could be a symbol; show people how to do it, how to become sober. But I failed.

My mistakes have been chronicled. I have neither sponsor nor sponsee. I met the love of my life, June N., and learned how she fell out of love with me. I know now she will never love me again. I can only image why.

The pity party has started. I’ll start going back to meetings nearly every day, but since I’m not religious, I doubt I’ll have much support. See, Saint Paul is a church community. Either you fain religious affiliation, or you are shunned. Yes, in the process of becoming sober, I learned to believe in God, but I am a former atheist. You mention that term to a sponsor in this town and you can kiss you chances of being sponsored good-bye.

I don’t want to sound like a complainer, but I am journaling this for a reason. I failed, and I don’t want anyone else to fail like I did. I want someone to learn from my mistakes. And just to know, just because someone is sober for nearly eight months doesn’t mean he’s succeeded. There is more to sobriety that just staying sober.

When you build yourself up from scratch, you have to remember all the people you’ve hurt along the way. And just to let you know, I never completed my fourth step. I was once at that point where I could trust enough to work through it, but I didn’t. I lost confidence, and trust.

My sponsee-brother, Mark J., wants me to move to Minneapolis with him, but I’m scared. I know Saint Paul so well. I don’t want to leave. I won’t leave. I will find a way, a path to follow; a new path. I just hope it’s the right path, because I’m really friggin’ tired of starting over from scratch.

But, I have something I didn’t have before: my health. My body works. My mind still works. I still have a relationship with the woman I can’t stop loving, June N., and I learned the most important lesson of all: a man’s word is his honor.

Honor is what no man can give you, and none can take away. Honor is a man’s gift to himself. Never worry of the giving of it; it grows in you, and speaks to you; all you need do is listen. Women are the heart of honor. We cherish and protect it in them. You should never mistreat a woman or malign a man, or stand by and watch another do so.

All I know is that I’m thankful that I had a father for the short time that he lived on this Quiet Earth. Friends of mine didn’t even have that luxury. But I learned a lot from this fine man. I learned a direction. He’s a fine man, and I could be too. I still need a little work.

But just let me say this one thing: I’ve had every drug in my body at one time in my life. Alcohol is the most addictive. I kicked all other drugs, but alcohol is the hardest. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not writing this to brag. I just hope my experience will help someone else.

I’ve been alone most of the last days at the new home, and I know I should get out more, but I feel like I should be alone. I don’t know why. Maybe to re-invent myself.

Without Wax,


Designer Girl said...

Wax, I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry your life has come crashing down around you again. But, I'm so glad you finally recognized why, and wrote about it.

It's so important to be honest here. If you can't be honest in your blog, where you're truly anonymous (or at least can be, if you choose), there's little point in having one. Because this is where you can be honest with yourself. This is the place to admit your failures, weigh your options, pick yourself up and start again.

You've been given an opportunity to do that in Minneapolis. You have a viable option. Someone has reached out to you and generously offered you help in the form of a place to live, and you're refusing it because you don't want to leave St. Paul? Think about that. I don't have room to talk, considering the way I keep screwing up my life, but maybe you just can't see the forest for the trees on this one.

Hang in there. Don't give up on yourself. I'm going to start over, and I hope you'll do the same. ((Hugs))

Trudging said...

Wax honey, I really think it is time to move to Minneapolis. Lots of great meetings there and I am pretty sure they let former atheist in.

You say you believe in God. Will God works through other people. Let him work for goodnesssake.

Holly Goes said...

There's a joke about a man who's house is in the middle of a flood and the town is being evacuated...a bus comes by and they invite him to get on the bus...he says "god will provide" and stays behind. The water rises. A man comes by in a boat and offers to shuttle him to safety...he says "God will provide" and stays behind. The waters rise. A helicopter comes by and offers him a lift to safety...he declines once again, saying "God will provide!". The man drowns. He goes up to heaven and demands to know why God forsake him, when he believed in Him - how could he let him drown? God replies "Look, buddy...I sent you a bus, I sent you a boat and I sent you a helicopter..."

Minneapolis is essentially the same city as St. Paul, isn't it?

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