Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I Had So Much Energy

I had so much energy, then it happened. My will got the best of me.

I had this dream, a using dream. I drempt I drank. All was well, came out of noware. It was strong. I don't like this feeling. I mean, really, I've achived so much, yet where the hell did this come from?

Without Wax,

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Pale Male

I just watched "Pale Male" on PBS. Oh my God, what a wonderful thing to watch. I know it doesn't belong in space, but it reminds me of what I'm trying to do in Saint Paul.

Day Six, the hawkaholics go to sleep, then one of his babies flies, and they catch it on film. It is awesome!

This is sweeet!

Without Wax,

Monday, June 19, 2006

She, listening...

I'm listening...

...And I don't like it.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Dream

One night…

…I had a drink.

It was late. I hadn’t drank in a while…

…I thought of a lady, not the one I missed, but another…

…but she was special, non-the-less.

It’s not that she was blonde, or pretty, or shapely. It was nothing like that…

…But she was honest.

She had birthmarks, but no freckles. She didn’t have a body to kill for, just an athletic body. She made me feel like I was doing the right thing.

I was strong, and right, and I made people around me feel like they were strong and correct for how they thought and acted and did, …and they were.

Then I woke up.

And I was sober.

But there was no girl. She called…I mean, a girl called, but not the girl of my dreams.

A girl that drank and smoked and danced; not nearly the girl of my dreams. She had experience; something I missed; lacked. Yet nothing I yearned for.

But I accepted the call...and woke. I didn't drink.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Something else happened

I saw my Grandson.

It was a gift He recoginized me. Oh My God, saw me from the back seat.

I've been embarrassed

First work week.
Wonderful week with Angel.

Two PPP, Canadian bacon, mushroom, & pineapple, then pepperoni, Italian sausage, & Jalapenos.

Kind of hoping June doesn’t call me back to take me up on the offer to repair her wireless network, although I know she needs it. She thinks she can fix anything, now that I’m gone, and will settle for me falling into the tech-support phone conversation, but we both know this is a hands on job.

Digital camera is on the fritz, pretty bad this time. Much worse than the old laptop problem I fixed, but still doesn’t stop me from tearing it down to it’s silicone bare bits.
Watching Crash.

Still can’t make rent. Been out of work too long.

A.A. community is failing me.

Tim is showing me everything. He’s training me for manager. He’s expecting a baby boy any day now.

I have to work Friday at the exact time one of my favorite food shelves is open; what a dilemma.

Ms. Smith gave me one of the few available storage units.

Get a call from Redneck Robert while over at Julian’s place next door.

Excuse me while I take this call from my sponsee brother, Michael. I haven’t spoke with him is so long, and so we fire off a list of updates, most of which are in this post. I say something about June and he meantions how lucky I am to have…stops in mind sentence before putting his foot in his mouth. I end the sentence with was lucky. Yada yada…

{reference Big Book about how alcoholics attract the best women.}

Speak of the devil; June is coming in on call waiting. It’s the call I’ve been waiting for, so I barely start to explain to Michael, and he completes my sentence. I flash over to her call.

It’s what I’ve been waiting for. She needs assistance with her network topology. She’s angry and all. I put up with it. I finally fix it. She agrees to see United 93 with me.

Now I have to go get ready for my home group where I will ask my sponsor if he will present my six-month medallion. I have a feeling he won’t.

Saw David from Holly House and his girlfriend Christy. She just bought a new Grand Prix to replace the car that was totaled in an accident where David was in the passenger seat and was sideswiped by a teen motorist who had run a light. He broke ribs.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Six Month Celebration

Just getting home from work, Anthony H. appears on the caller ID. I already know what it’s about. “I’m sorry Without, but I just can’t sponsor someone who’s...”
“...Not working the program, I know,” completing the sentence. Yet another pretentious sponsor, I almost voice. Do-gooder Christian’s make the worst sponsors for former atheists, and the others are so hard to find.
“That’s alright,” I say, “I’ll just go without a sponsor for the time being.” This shuts him up enough for me to fire back, “So, are you going to pin night anyway?”
“Uh, umm, I, ah, I don’t think.. .”
“Didn’t think so,” I kill the tension. “I gotta go. Bye now.”
I sigh of relief; I realize I’ve got two hours to kill before leaving for pin night, where I have no idea who will present me. Even though I’ve got Nathan A. as a backup at my home group, The Mar League, I make phone calls with a tinge of desperation in my voice searching for a replacement. The closest I get is my first sponsor, George D., who returns my voice-mail less than an hour before the meeting starts.
“I’d love to, but I’m in Anoka,” which is a suburb of the Twin Cities too remote for this late a request. He sincerely continues, “but I am honored; I really am.” And he really is. George is one of those people in the program who doesn’t lie. When he doesn’t want to do something, he’ll tell you exactly why without mincing words, so I know he’s sincere. He should’ve been the one to pin my six-month medallion on me. He earned it. Like June L., he’s one of the people I feel I failed the first time around.
On the bike ride over I think of all the vengeful comments to make finally settling on nothing at all. After all, the group as a whole never failed me. That’s the nice thing about A.A. groups: they’re always there as a whole, even if the occasional individual member may drop the ball.
Anthony H. arrives late with infant daughter in tow. The speaker has already started. I glance at him and he gives me his infamous all-is-well, ear-to-ear grin. With a Mona Lisa smile, I flash him the okay sign and raise an eyebrow in question. It takes a moment for it register, then the fear cracks his patent grin and for the next hour he sets off scrabbling to find both someone to hold his young daughter and someone else he can borrow a medallion from, I can only guess.
The speaker was good and helped me relax. Pins were presented, a six-year here, a 25-year there, then the time came for moi and Anthony too looked relaxed.
Anthony H. and I go back to when I tried getting sober the first time two years prior, which was really just a trial run. At that time he maintained the phone list for Mar League, and I decided to help him out with it, which he mentioned.
I kept it brief and to the point. The group was there for me, I said. Sponsors on the other hand didn’t even justify a mention. Sponsorship is too important a role for any one alcoholic to pass judgment on in an acceptance speech.
I do remember saying this though, “When the going gets tough, I no longer reach for bourbon. It’s like I don’t even desire it anymore.” I mention how I know I’m working the program slowly compared to others and left it at that.
I partook of the wonderful potluck dinner people brought. While eating, I sat with a group of happy sober party people. We had a lot of laughs. I’m a slow eater, so when almost everyone else had left, a stranger approached. He congratulated me, and we spoke of deep things. He seemed very sincere, so I asked his name, which he gave as Marcel O.
“So, how much sobriety do you have?” I calmly ask.
“A few weeks,” he answers. Holy crap, I think to myself. This guy needs help now. So, I jotted down my number on a napkin and gave it to him with instructions to call me at anytime, day or night. I didn’t ask for his.
I ended the evening by rolling up my sleeves and washing dishes, my tie getting soaked. There was a lot of dishes and three of us to help: one original washer, myself, then a dryer who rotated out a few times. We made it fun. I love getting wet. I guess that’s why I was born under the sign of Aquarius.
As a consolation prize, I ended up with a case of diet soda, which I never drink, but figured Darla V. would. However, that brings up the age-old man problem of how to tell your lady you acquired a diet product without telling her it was intended for her alone. This isn’t even subconscious: I want her to loose weight. Men, subtle hints are the only way to go. Anything more will only get you out of the frying pan into the preverbal fire. So, I brought it home with the intent of leaving it in the fridge and letting her have at it. She does not yet know about my inability to stomach diet soda. I miss her and hope to see her this weekend.
On the ride home, I’m reminded how important it is for me to purchase a decent headlight, as a drunk pull away from a curb right in front of me. I wave as I pass, hearing his curbside inebriated cohorts laugh at him.

Without Wax,