Sunday, February 26, 2012


Mama!…Siana screams. She’s always attached to her mother, when she’s at home. They’re more like sisters, with one difference: Mama D. is the older one. The way she’s attached to her mother is special…to me.
I can tell her mother is a special person, and yet I’ve never met her…and am afraid to. She loves her daughter like a possession; a property not to be tinkered with. Yet, Siana has a mind of her own, and she does what she will; Yes, she has her own will.‘Mama, I’m on the phone!’, like that really matters. If Mama D. really wants something, daughter Siana will get off the phone soon, no matter what it is. They share everything. We went out last week to bingo at a local tavern and I’d rung up a tab I couldn’t cover. Thankfully, Siana covered what I could not. Mama D. knew about it the very next day. They share the same check register evidentially.
Being close to her mother is one of the endearing qualities I find in Siana. In fact, most of my other lovers have had mothers that have died. They’ve been close to them, yet they’ve died, mostly early in life; Much like my parents had. Come to think of it, Siana is the first girlfriend I’ve had since high school that has a living mother. The fact that they are close says something; I’m not quite sure what that is or if I should even think on it.
Mama and Siana were instrumental in getting me out of ‘that house’ that I’d lived in for one month and a year. This was the house I chose to live in because of Mark J.; Yes Father Mark. He went schizoid embolismic once he learned I’d been drinking. I caused me to find other housing. Mark has confronted me each time I try to retrieve property from the house. It amazes me how someone with six years of sobriety working all twelve steps can skip some. Or is that just one of the limitations in the twelve step program?
How can a man who has been imprisoned and on parole, like Father Mark, with a felony conviction for violent phone threats be in the AA system and still threaten people? He’s still violent. The person I chose to live with, Father Mark, was the person of change I wanted to learn from. If anyone could change from his past to five years of sobriety, that would be my model of change. Yet, one year later, he’s not changed at all; He’s just become sober…longer; Terrible model for sobriety.
My sponsor doesn’t want to hear about the past; just what I will do to change. He won’t be happy with my choice to drink every chance I can get. Neither will Siana; I owe her money. After moving to my own place, called from now on as HillPlace, I am in debt up to my eyeballs. I will crawl out of this debt eventually, slowly; but it will be at the grace of very many friends; I had to borrow money for butter yesterday.
Mama D. and Siana D. had given me life saving stuff for a new move-in. Tons of stuff. I felt Mama D. was there giving me a hand with her daughter’s boyfriend’s move-in. Either she cared that much for me or her care for her daughter’s new love carried over. Either way, it produce pots and pans, glasses and plates, toaster, coffee maker, and other move-in stuff. These were all of the things that one would need to move it to a new place. All were thought out…by who? I didn’t ask.
I think, and I rarely get this right, Siana somehow will let Mama know how deeply in love with me she is…with me. {baring the obvious trailing participle.}
My new place is of my own. It’s just North of the Twin Cities and in walking distance of work. I’m working and keeping a job. I’m not staying sober. I cannot say what my plan to stay sober will be.
Siana is the most wonderful woman that I’ve ever met. We will see if she puts up with me.

-- Without Wax