I always wonder, due to my constant relapses, if anyone reading this blog wonders if I’ve died. I should be respectful and update it more often. I’ve been a bad boy lately.
I am ten day sober; had my last drink February 11, 2010. To be sincerely honest, it’s not for any other reason than City Plasma was closed down last week for their kiosk upgrade; lack of funds. While closed, no other donation center can sign up new donors, since they cannot verify any one's last donation. Suburb Plasma has a two week waiting period for initial appointments. I made one, but I’ll cancel it now that they’re only paying $50 per week instead of City Plasma’s $55. I should really shop around for other plasma donation centers. I will donate tomorrow at City Plasma and receive a whopping $20.
I don’t know if I want to blow half of that on a fifth of whiskey or not. I haven’t called my sponsor in weeks. Everyday I’ve had the urge to get drunk over this last week. I could’ve borrowed the money and gotten drunk, but I didn’t. After I got caught trying to hide in the Sober Barn during closing time, I thought they’d never let me back in again. I snuck in the first few times, and then they just let me stay after that.
So, what is the Sober Barn? It’s the place I spend my mornings, surf the Internet, play online poker, and develop their Web site. I use open source technologies to develop their Web site: Apache, MySQL, PHP, Eclipse, XDebug, Joomla, Ubuntu Linux, VirtualBox, HipHop for PHP, C++, and Java.
I’ve moved Darkness (my ten-year-old Pentium 4 desktop computer) to the computer lab I’ve setup for them. In this small lab, I’ve setup three other similar computers on a wired network, but also with WiFi, shared printer, and firewall. With little money I make here and there, I’ve upgraded Darkness’s CPU from 2.0 to 2.66 GHz, 80GB hard drive to 400GB, and installed a DVD-RW optical drive. It’s my legacy development machine with dual-boot Windows XP Pro and Ubuntu 9.10 Linux. Now, if I can only scrounge up two PC100 512MB DIMMs from an old server, I could double his system memory to 2GB (his motherboard’s limit). That will help me run Ubuntu Linux in a VirualBox within Windows XP.
Regarding the load of geekdome you’ve just read: it’s the only thing that is keeping me sober right now. This is a subject I really should devote to an entire post, but most of the above technology I have learned, or relearned, in the last three months. I’ve been in self-teaching mode.
I’ve been Homeless and jobless for one year. I’ve been living in downtown shelters since being kicked out of Rat House in October. I’ve discovered the Sober Barn and have been hanging out there days.
Lost yet another camera…really miss having a camera; I mean a really love photography. These point-and-shoot cameras, though, are really starting to annoy me with their utter lack of image control. I’ve fallen in love with several cameras, but if I had the means, I’d buy the Canon EOS 5D Mark II digital SLR. Besides being able to take stills at 21 mega pixels, it can shoot 1080p HD video at 30 fps! With a two hour battery life, you could make your own professional HD movie. At $2700, it’s one tenth the cost of an industry HD video camera without the excellent still camera lenses. It is truly innovative.
Which brings me to the featured photograph: I feel like I’m drowning most days…Which leads me to drowning my sorrows in whiskey.
-- Without Wax
4 comments:
i was going to answer your question (do i think you're dead when you disappear from your blog) by saying "No...". there are just too many things going on in my life that i sometimes fall away from my own recovery blog....
but after reading your bluntly honest post just now, i truly wonder how much time you have left given your choices to date.
you seem clueless about the disease of alcoholism. i was too for many years--so i say this without condemning you. i don't have to be gidted with prophesy to tell you that if you don't find a way to stay sober, your death is very nearby.
take care!
Mike L.
I agree.
But, what will I leave?
Many men have suffered this complex disease. My story is my only vestige; it is my way of saying: Hey, this is not the way to be.
I originally thought that I could lead by example, but now I should show how not to do this.
If you want to be a drunk, follow my lead. If you want a funny story, read this blog. If you really want to know how life is destroyed by alcohol...well, stay tuned.
Honestly? I think we have more than enough people showing other alcoholics how recovery doesn't work. Apparently, there are over 20 million people out here who suffer from alcoholism and AA only claims somewhere between 1-2 million members.
I'd rather see you try to show others who suffer from this disease how they can find a way to be sober today without necessarily sacrificing their intelligence, wit, or sense of humor: all of which you seem to be holding on to inspite of yourself.
Right now, your story line isn't funny at all. It's akin to watching a train wreck. Not funny.
If there's anything at all I can do to help you, let me know.
Mike L.
http://MikeLRecovery.blogspot.com
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