Thursday, August 10, 2006

A Letter to June

Amazing what a mind can do when sober, eh? I learned a lot about myself in the process, and a lot more about June W. She is a fine lady, and I only wish I'd learned that sooner, because I missed out on such a wonderful life with her.

The most painful thing about becoming sober was remembering all the terrible things I did to her. I embarrassed her at family functions while she attempted to cover up for me. I hid alcohol from her. I even slept with my mouth away from her so she wouldn't have to smell my breath constantly as we slept.

We used to be so close. I know I'll never be as close with someone ever again. She knew everything about me once we married, I figured it was time she knew about Without Wax. Now you know all of me.

I broke my anonymity and showed June W. this web site. She read the whole thing in one day. My mind spilled out in so many words as I recovered from this terrible addiction. My words were not meant for her ears. These words, all of them, were not meant for anyone’s ears. I just had to let it out.

People encourage me to forget June and move on. I’m 42. You don’t just forget the one lady in your life that has taught you that the most decent effect you can have for a person is to remember them for what they are worth. If you walk away from a person like that, it still has a lasting effect.

June has this problem that she always complains about: Why do people always come to me for answers? There is one simple answer: Because you give people direction. Your answer may not always be the right one, but it’s not the answer that was needed; it was the direction. Given all the information, she could probably give the correct answer every time, but then, who ever gets all the information.

I gave June all the information about me that I could at the time that I moved my life from California to Minnesota to live with her. The only thing I did not give her was the only thing I did not know about myself: that I am an alcoholic. She does not know the true meaning of this statement. But the statement, in itself, is only taken in context. To walk the path is different from knowing the path.

I’ve met many people, in person and online, that have walked the path, but I’ve never met anyone that truly knew the path. I don’t think it’s possible. But I do believe that once a person takes God into his heart, and understands that the world does not revolve around himself, and that there is no clear path in life, and that the only way out of alcoholism is to simply do the right thing, and teach this, and speak of these words out loud so others can feel our strength, that there is a way out of this terrible existence that we used to call a life.

I know it sounds like Bible thumping, but it’s not. I found that God exists, even though I was an atheist. I am now a former atheist. God does exist. He has a plan, but it’s not yours; Thy will be done, not yours. If you want to know his plan, apply for the job, otherwise, take his heed. But I do believe that God exists inside us all, not in the heavens. You need only look inside yourself to find him. He is there. I can prove this, I know:

Take the worst thing that has ever happened to you. If you stop, look inside yourself, and ask yourself, “What is the right thing to do?” You will find that when you calm yourself down, you will find the answer. The answer may not be what you want, or what you’re willing to do, but, there is not doubt, it is the right thing to do and it is the will of God. He will guide you, because his will is of honor. The honorable thing to do is a clear path. Never stray from it. Because, when you are honorable, and your word is good, it strikes an emotion in men to follow in your footsteps. Believe me, if you walk the walk, and talk the talk, you will become a leader of men that believe in saving the others. I’m not talking about sinners, I’m talking about addicts. No alcoholic can be saved by anyone else but another alcoholic. The alcoholic must see into the friend’s eyes and see that they have actually been there; sometimes embellishing stories. But when an alcoholic talks to another, they know...they know they’ve been there.

SincerelySober was born out of necessity. When one becomes sober and discovers that alcohol is not what he's meant for, his mind sharpens; sometimes too fast. I took too many things for granted while sobering up.

I thought the world would simply open up for me. I mean, ‘hey, I’m sober. I can do any work.’ But work didn’t come. In fact, it turned out that I had less skills than someone that had drank their way through high school.

The true fact is this: Technology and alcohol do not mix. I made my way through jobs even though I was an alcoholic. Want to know another true fact: Employers want consistency. There are people that are hard workers, people that get the job done, workers that spend unpaid overtime to complete the job, then there are alcoholic; and I’m one of those.

Try getting a job after someone discovers that fact. It doesn’t matter what your belief in God is after that, most corporate companies will not hire you after they learn of your weakness. You see, corporations know that if they ‘fire’ someone for alcoholism, that they really need to put them through a program first. So, no one in the corporate world will ever let someone go for addiction. Why would they? They’d have to put up with recovery, and they don’t want to do that.

No. Better loose the non-starter than fix the problem.

I had this one meeting with an executive at a company that I worked for in Minneapolis. It scared the hell out of me. He openly said he was an alcoholic at a company party out in front of everyone. And he looked at me: I could see, in his eyes, the fear. The fear that I would succumb to this disease. I knew I was history. Two days later, I was fired. It was the best job I ever had in the Twin Cities. I got married, we had wonderful vacations, June was happy. But I lost focus.

The truth is I can’t believe I made it this far. I fucked up. I dropped the ball. It’s good thing I didn’t have children, because I would’ve fucked them up too. Or maybe not; children tend to right you. I always wanted to give my father a child that could take on our family name, but I don’t see that in the future. The Wax family name will end in cyberspace.

God does have a plan for us, I just don’t think I’m in it.

June, I don’t know why I could not be honest about my addiction, but I know that most people reading this understand. I know you know I’m smart, but I wish I was smart enough to overcome this addiction before I lost you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, June. You really were.

People reading this blog say I should move on, get past June. Well, I have one answer for them: How do you get past loosing the most wonderful woman you have ever had a chance to meet, live with, marry, dream with, lay with, dream with, spoon with, laugh with, bitch with, complain with, live through 9/11 with, worry about, comfort, understand, take care of cats, and totally feel comfortable with?

I fucked up and dropped the ball. It’s in my nature. My mother failed, I guess I should too.

My oldest brother, Hank W., said he’s living with a young woman. Maybe he’ll marry; pass on the family name. But, that’s not for me. I have failed. I have no family, not father, no mother, no in-laws. I will disappear without any notice.

Without Wax,


Anonypus said...

I will notice.

Designer Girl said...

I didn't say forget her. I said move on. There's a huge difference. As long as you keep wallowing in self-pity, YOU are not going to move forward, Wax.

I'm worried about you, but I'm also frustrated that you don't seem to be taking any steps to be anything or any place different from what and where you are now.

I applaud your honesty in your last post, but now you need to be diligent about facing the future and walking toward it.

Fenris_Ulf said...

What have you done today to improve your situation? The walk from LA to New York is made up of many small steps.

Trudging said...

I am worried too. You don't sound well. Have you called your sponsor, gone to a meeting etc. If you are anything like me the self pity thing can really get you drunk.

Holly Goes said...

Wax, not to throw program at you, actually exactly to throw program at you, but you're making June your HP right now - looking to her to settle that unrest inside you...which only your HP can do....

Rabbi Dale said...

Keep G-D and keep June hold on to both.

Matthew 6:33 it will all work out if you stay sober and stay focus trusting G=d

Find a good church for deep fellowship with others to keep the demons away Mazal Tov