Sunday, December 14, 2008

Work vs. Sobriety


Work vs. Sobriety

First off: I built this blog with the intent of showing how one man can stay sober. That was the original intent. Now I have realized that I should document my failed attempts, however drunk I am. I always wished that these posts would be sober, but from now on, they may not be. But, I will always let you know.

Currently, I’m drunk.

I have learned, from many sources, that I am what is called a “functional drunk”. No matter how many methods I’ve used to become sober, I cannot escape the fact that I want to get altered every once in a while.

I’ve found a good job. I can keep it or loose it based on my drinking. It doesn’t pay well, but I know it won’t falter in this economy.

This job is different from others in that I no longer have to pretend that I’m a ‘sober guy’. I don’t need to use the guise of AA for better or worse. It works both ways. If you stay sober, go to meetings, work the program, then no one knows that you really are an alcoholic. Once they know, all bets are off. Well, all bets are off. I have one of the most understanding supervisor that I’ve ever had. She’s seen me through detox and still kept me on. We are restructuring and I’m still there.

And I have drank at work even after all that. Slurred words on digital audio recording noticed my indecision. This hurts because some of the leads that train us notice my drunken nice. Is that a habit of chaos or what?

My sponsor, Stewart L., a very good guy, has been pushing me towards the 4th step. I’ve stolled. However, each and every resentment I’ve documented has caused me to stop any progress. And I don’t even know if taking the firth step is going to accomplish anything.

I still need to work.

I should not drink.

Reviewing all my past moral failures is not helping my current financial situation.

Photos were taken by me at the RedEye during "The Balcomy" performance.

I’m still held up in a hotel.

5 comments:

Fenris_ulf said...

It is dangerous to assume your employer will continue to be patient with you. Sober, if possible, is a much safer choice to maintain employment if that is important to you.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

How it DOESN'T work: 26 Methods that FAIL UTTERLY: Religion, Therapy, Will power, Self knowledge etc

http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2007/09/how-it-doesn-work-26-methods-that-fail.html

this post might help you see what you have been doing wrong

if you want to keep your job you may have to become willing to go to any lengths to stay sober

thanks for keeping us posted and keep coming back as they say :)

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/search/label/Relapse

these ones might help too..

Cindy said...

It's not even about keeping your job, it's about keeping your life. Think about your ex. Think about your past, and what you have lost. Have you experienced pure joy in your drinking? I am guessing not.

By your picking a job where it doesn't matter if you are drunk or sober, you are choosing a path to continue drinking. You are taking the easy way out. This isn't like you....you've come too far for this.

Open your eyes, man. You have so much to give. You are a talented writer and an amazing photographer. Make a New Year's resolution worth keeping.

You'll be in my thoughts, as always.

Mike L. said...

This December post is the only post I've read on your blog, so I'm wondering how things are now four months later. I hope that you're alive. I hope that some how you've gotten sober.

I hope. It's been 7 and a half years since I reached my bottom of hopelessness. When I gave up trying to be someone I wasn't. Gave up trying to be a non-alcoholic. Gave up trying not to be an alcoholic.

Sincerely Sober: I wish you well.

Take care!

Mike L.
http://mikelrecovery.blogspot.com